Two years ago, I was in my kitchen baking banana chocolate chip muffins when I got a text from one of my friends that made my heart hurt. To be honest, I can't even remember what it was. I just remember my little iPhone 4 buzzing and tears came to my eyes. It was probably about a boy. Probably drama. The fact that I can't remember shows how insignificant it was, but it was significant enough at the time that I can still remember my heart aching.
My hands were full of flour because I am an incredibly messy (and horrible) baker. I dropped the ingredients, ran to my bedroom and got down on my knees, where just over a year before I had given my life to The Lord. I cried. I spoke. I sat. I waited. I cried. I prayed. I cried again. And after an hour, I got up, wiped my tears away and went back to the kitchen. Only this time I felt like I was holding Jesus's hand.
I remember I started putting the gooey mixture into muffin tins when it hit me- I had gone to Jesus. First. First instinct was to run to Him. Flee to Him. That made me smile, the fact that I had a strong enough love relationship with my Saviour to run to Him first. I knew that He was rock solid. He would be there. He would carry me. He wouldn't leave.
There is just something so important about getting on your knees in front of The Lord. We so often run to food or boys or TV or twitter or we actually just run. Strap on running shoes and pound out a few miles. We give ourselves over to things that we believe will fill us up. It's a dangerous, painful cycle. I've tried all of the above. I've eaten chocolate when I was heartbroken and too sad to do anything except raise the food to my mouth. I've tried to seek out love in boys. I've tried to make their love enough for my heart. I've watched brain numbing hours upon hours of Netflix when I didn't want to feel anything else. I've spent so much wasted time scrolling through social media so I wouldn't have to think. I've put on running shoes and ran through 16 kilometres of pavement. And, I have also gotten down on my knees.
I have knelt down, hands open, heart aching before my Jesus. As if I'm saying, "Hey, Jesus. I've tried everything else. I'm coming to You because I am empty and I am broken and I need You. I'm like a sheep, Jesus. I am dirty. I can't clean myself up. I'm lost. I've got no idea where to go. So here I am. On my knees. I've got nothin' else."
And I have heard His voice. Sometimes it's a still small whisper. Sometimes He speaks gently saying, "Okay baby girl. I see you. I notice you. You're not alone. I'm gonna carry you. I'm gonna be enough for you." Sometimes He answers in such a roar that I stand back up with much more strength than before. Sometimes He gives me visions of revival and binds up my heart instantly. Sometimes He is quiet. Sometimes He just sits with me and that is adequate. Sometimes He doesn't speak at all. But He never shoes me away. I don't believe God does that to any of us. Ever.
He never answers me with a striking "Well, if you would have just tried harder or taken a different road, I would love you more. I would speak more." He never responds with a solid "Oh, sorry, there's a hurricane in Mexico today that I gotta look after." He never hesitates with His love. God is a lot of things to a lot of people but I don't think He is a cheap party host with limited grace to give out (-hb).
I guess I am just fearful for us. I am scared that we won't get real with God. I'm scared that we'll try to hide all of our hurts and wants and needs. I am scared that we will be tricked into thinking that God is too big and too important for us. I am scared that we'll get scared of God. I am scared that our society has become so fake that we will try to put up a front with God. I'm scared that we will get so used to social media that we won't know or believe in a real encounter and relationship with the King. I'm scared that we'll push ourselves away from God because we run to other things instead of getting on our knees.
Let me tell you, though it may hurt a little and humble you a lot, it's quite something to kneel down before God and be real. Be honest. He already knows your heart, doesn't He? Isn't that freeing? That He already knows what's in there. He already knows the dark stuff. The painful stuff. The real stuff. He knows what will make your heart and soul sing and dance. He knows it all.
Though I often fail and seek things before I seek my Lord, He is training me. He is disciplining me. And daily, I know where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go where there's freedom. Where there's peace and forgiveness and purity.
I'm gonna go to my knees.
To my knees, to my knees, to my knees.
My hands were full of flour because I am an incredibly messy (and horrible) baker. I dropped the ingredients, ran to my bedroom and got down on my knees, where just over a year before I had given my life to The Lord. I cried. I spoke. I sat. I waited. I cried. I prayed. I cried again. And after an hour, I got up, wiped my tears away and went back to the kitchen. Only this time I felt like I was holding Jesus's hand.
I remember I started putting the gooey mixture into muffin tins when it hit me- I had gone to Jesus. First. First instinct was to run to Him. Flee to Him. That made me smile, the fact that I had a strong enough love relationship with my Saviour to run to Him first. I knew that He was rock solid. He would be there. He would carry me. He wouldn't leave.
There is just something so important about getting on your knees in front of The Lord. We so often run to food or boys or TV or twitter or we actually just run. Strap on running shoes and pound out a few miles. We give ourselves over to things that we believe will fill us up. It's a dangerous, painful cycle. I've tried all of the above. I've eaten chocolate when I was heartbroken and too sad to do anything except raise the food to my mouth. I've tried to seek out love in boys. I've tried to make their love enough for my heart. I've watched brain numbing hours upon hours of Netflix when I didn't want to feel anything else. I've spent so much wasted time scrolling through social media so I wouldn't have to think. I've put on running shoes and ran through 16 kilometres of pavement. And, I have also gotten down on my knees.
I have knelt down, hands open, heart aching before my Jesus. As if I'm saying, "Hey, Jesus. I've tried everything else. I'm coming to You because I am empty and I am broken and I need You. I'm like a sheep, Jesus. I am dirty. I can't clean myself up. I'm lost. I've got no idea where to go. So here I am. On my knees. I've got nothin' else."
And I have heard His voice. Sometimes it's a still small whisper. Sometimes He speaks gently saying, "Okay baby girl. I see you. I notice you. You're not alone. I'm gonna carry you. I'm gonna be enough for you." Sometimes He answers in such a roar that I stand back up with much more strength than before. Sometimes He gives me visions of revival and binds up my heart instantly. Sometimes He is quiet. Sometimes He just sits with me and that is adequate. Sometimes He doesn't speak at all. But He never shoes me away. I don't believe God does that to any of us. Ever.
He never answers me with a striking "Well, if you would have just tried harder or taken a different road, I would love you more. I would speak more." He never responds with a solid "Oh, sorry, there's a hurricane in Mexico today that I gotta look after." He never hesitates with His love. God is a lot of things to a lot of people but I don't think He is a cheap party host with limited grace to give out (-hb).
I guess I am just fearful for us. I am scared that we won't get real with God. I'm scared that we'll try to hide all of our hurts and wants and needs. I am scared that we will be tricked into thinking that God is too big and too important for us. I am scared that we'll get scared of God. I am scared that our society has become so fake that we will try to put up a front with God. I'm scared that we will get so used to social media that we won't know or believe in a real encounter and relationship with the King. I'm scared that we'll push ourselves away from God because we run to other things instead of getting on our knees.
Let me tell you, though it may hurt a little and humble you a lot, it's quite something to kneel down before God and be real. Be honest. He already knows your heart, doesn't He? Isn't that freeing? That He already knows what's in there. He already knows the dark stuff. The painful stuff. The real stuff. He knows what will make your heart and soul sing and dance. He knows it all.
Though I often fail and seek things before I seek my Lord, He is training me. He is disciplining me. And daily, I know where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go where there's freedom. Where there's peace and forgiveness and purity.
I'm gonna go to my knees.
To my knees, to my knees, to my knees.