Beware: this post is an attempt for me to be completely and totally transparent. It's raw and real and it's my heart. I've been feeling broken in multiple ways since leaving Africa, and my hope is that by being real, I'll be able to understand the brokenness of others too. It's short, but it's what happened, and it's the way my sweet Saviour spoke to me. I know that the words Jesus whispered aren't just for me, though- they're for everyone who questions whether or not God really understands us.
I was weeping. Full out, face-down weeping. Literally. "God, I don't even know what I want." I got out between an endless flow of tears. "But, I guess, I just need You to know that my heart is breaking and it hurts."
"I know." Whispered Jesus into the depths of my soul. I know. There was so much to that. So much more than two words. My Saviour whispered into my heart and soul that He knew. He understood. He understood pain and longing and hurt... More so than even I did. If anyone knew heartbreak, it was He. He who came to a small, pitiful, dark planet to win back His bride. He who gave all He had. He who wept. He who longs for us, chases after us, pursues us until we draw our very last breath.
I know.
He who knew what it was like to ache for a people He could not hold. He who knows physical and emotional pain more than any other human ever.
That's the promise, isn't it? Not that He's sorry for our pain but that He knows it. That He enters into it with us. That we're not alone- no, not even for a single second.
As I knelt, forehead touching the floor, creating a near lake with my tears, Jesus whispered that He knew. He knew it all.
"Is this the way You weep for us, Jesus?" I asked out loud.
"Yes."
And that, too, amazes me. Maybe more so than anything else. That the King of the universe, the God of everything, the one and only Saviour would weep unashamedly for His beloved. That the One who flung planets into space and breathed out stars would ache with us... Would ache for us.
I do not have the answers for why bad things happen. I cannot explain earthquakes or deaths or darkness or pain. I cannot give you reasons for everything that goes wrong. But I do know this: we have a Saviour who goes before us. We have a King who died for us. We don't have a God who is unable to identify with us, but instead we have One who has been tempted and broken in every single way that we have. And in the deepest, darkest, hardest times, when you heart is breaking and your mind is questioning, be assured of this:
He knows.