Something so insanely beautiful happened today. I got to see a tiny glimpse of God's heart. First of all, let me say that leaving Uganda and the babies that I took care of was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I would be lying if I said that I never questioned God... Because I did. In the few days after I left, all I could do was cry, and I asked God how He could let me fall so in love with a place and people and then let me leave like that. I couldn't see why I had gone to Uganda... I couldn't see why He had wanted me there... Why He let me leave so heart broken. He just kept whispering for me to trust Him, and I accepted that I may never know why I had gone, at least not in this life.
And then, today, I was looking through pictures of my babies. One came up of 3 little boys. 1 year, 8 months. Triplets. 3 little boys that I had fallen in love with while I was there. Every single day, I took care of and hung out with them. Whenever I walked into their unit, they would run to me and throw their tiny arms around my legs. Their nanny gave me complete authority over them. Other nannies called them my boys. Looking at the picture, I remembered one time when one of them was crying hysterically after supper while I was washing the dishes. He stumbled into the kitchen area, food still all over his face and hands, slobber and tears covering his cheeks. His nanny said that he was upset and of course, had come to find me. She asked me to calm him down. I knelt onto the floor, soapy hands and all, and that beautiful little boy ran straight into my arms. I picked him up and hugged him and kissed him and rocked him and whispered that I loved him. I held him so tight. I didn't care about his dirty hands or slobbery face, I just needed to hold him and make sure he was okay. I loved him and his two brothers like they were my own sons. I still do. I would do anything for them. I have realized that through my love for them, God had let me see an astonishing part of His heart.
You see, God is constantly referred to as our Father throughout scripture. Our Papa. Sometimes it can be hard to understand His Father-driven heart for us if we don't have any children. But in Uganda, I finally began to understand. Through 3, beautiful, tiny boys, I glimpsed God's heart. Even though I am sinful and dirty and not at all worthy, God let me see Him in a way that I couldn't grasp as a single, 18 year old girl. Because of the way He loves me, He let me see His love in a new way. In a way that brings me to my knees in awe and thankfulness.
When the car came to pick me up from the babies home to catch my plane, the nannies brought my triplets outside. My heart broke. I hugged them and kissed them one last time. They waved good bye as we drove away, and I realized that I had never loved anyone so much in my life. Now, thousands of miles away and three weeks without holding them, my heart aches. It actually hurts. And there... In my aching heart, I get a glimpse of God again. Because of the way He loves me, He has let me see this. Let me see how He aches for us. Longs for us. Misses us. How when we spend time away from Him, all He wants is to hold us. To let Him hold us again. Because with God, it's not about rules or regulations. It's not about keeping 10 commandments, it's about His love. My love for those boys? I can't even describe it. That's exactly how God loves us, only on a much greater scale. And He did describe it. He spread His arms out on a cross. How else could He ever show how deep of a love He has for us? For you?
I just want us all to take a minute and get on our knees and lift our hands to a God who longs for us... For you. A God who doesn't care about your messy hands or messy heart or messy life because He's too busy holding His arms out, waiting for you to run into them. To hug you and kiss you and rock you and whisper that He loves you. Because He does.
Oh, how He does.