There is a spark that has been lighting on and off, on and off, on and off inside me the past week. When it is on, my heart beats faster, my eyes open wider and I feel more. What? I can't even really describe it. It's as though on and off, on and off, on and off, I get an overwhelming desire to really live. To give everything I have, no matter the cost, for the sake of God's Kingdom. To love deeply and endlessly and spend myself for the sake of others.
It's just... This cannot be Christianity. As I sit in my room, by heart beats and aches inside me. I know what Jesus said was true, and if what He said is true, this cannot be Christianity. Not this watered down, non-exciting, private way that I am so used to living. Not when the gospels record Jesus weeping and laughing and loving and healing and speaking and teaching over and over again. This knowledge- that there is more to life- is what is constantly fuelling my on and off moments.
I have often prayed: "break my heart for what breaks Yours, Jesus." I prayed this without really knowing what it entitled. When I said those words, what I really meant was, "Jesus, could You just kind of give me passion for a certain place so I can know where to go? Great. Thanks." What I did not expect, however, was for my heart to break (how silly of me). I mean really, seriously break. I should have expected it, shouldn't I? That's what I asked of Jesus, and He always answers prayers.
Since I have returned to Canada, I have spent many hours on my knees, crying and praying. I feel so wrapped up in Uganda that it is constantly on my mind. Sometimes the thought of being so far away from a country that I called home for a few short months actually leaves me overwhelmed and struggling for breath. Only in the last few days have I started to grasp why I feel this way... "Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Jesus." And so, He is.
What I have also been realizing though, is that for His children, God will often answer this prayer without us ever even praying it. Whatever keeps you up at night, whatever makes your heart beat faster, whatever moves you into action- these are your passions. I believe that our passions are not just 'feelings' but they are often callings which The LORD has placed on our lives. So I encourage you, friend, to pursue your passions. Pursue Jesus first and foremost- always. But pour yourself into what ever calling God has placed on your life.
There is so much more to Christianity then church pews- I promise.